family dynamics

The opinions expressed in this “It’s Saturday” are those of ervie and don’t reflect those of the Roseland Rosebud 4-Club, Roseland Reformed Church, Roseland Saddle Club or the Roseland Elementary.  Make sure you take that into consideration when reading this “It’s Saturday.” It is no more complicated than that folks!  Such is life.

Agesilaus II, lived from circa 440 to 360 B.C., was one of the most brilliant soldiers of his era and was the King of Sparta from 399 until his death, said—“It is circumstance and proper timing that give an action its character and make it either good or bad.”  Oh, that circumstance and proper timing!  Who you marry really affects your family dynamics (i.e. my opinion).  A golf buddy/friend and I were talking about old girl friends the other day on the ninth hole.  He told me that he had a very serious girlfriend in college and asked a professional counselor/maybe pastor—how do I know if she is the right one for me.  He told him—If you don’t know, she is not the right one; if she is, you will just know.  He broke up with her.  He also told me that when he went to pick up his future wife on their family farm for the first date, she was carrying a bale of straw across the yard—he said—this gal is a worker; she has possibilities!  After they got married, they were working on a project on the farm and he asked her if she would go and get a tool out of the shed that they needed.  She started walking to get the tool when he said—if you would run, we could get a lot more done!  Ouchy ouchy!  He lost his help for the rest of the day.  But their marriage worked as they have been married for over 50 years. It appears if couples are not equally yoked, there is trouble in River City and that is why about 50% get divorced in America (i.e. bad family dynamics). Joe and Mary Crazy say—We get along way better when we aren’t around each other!  Ouchy ouchy!

These are the cousins and also my nieces.  Sitting in our family of 26 at Arlene’s memorial party, it seems like we get along well as a family.  At least we tolerate each other it seems. haha Yes, we are all different in many ways like most families, but we don’t have major differences and folks are nice to each other, sooo it seems.  I said to a niece--You think our family is normal—yes, I do—I don’t; I think we are abnormal—why you think that uncle erv?—I think most families don’t get along very well.  Many families have major issues that are very severe, sooo severe that they have huge massive problems.  Just look around.  That is except when they have a wedding picture and then they all look happy with each other.  A friend who is a professional photographer can make any family look good (i.e. money can do that)! Of course I don’t know what our family members say when they are not around each other and talk behind each other’s backs!  It could be a different story.  haha  Like I have told some of you, if you think that way about a family member and I think that way about the same family member, then others think that way toooo; we are not that extra specially smart! Maybe all families have a member or two who when they come into the room, they really make us happy and some who really make us happy when they leave the room. Could be. Could be.

MyBigSister, only in age, came up to me at the reception and plucked a long hair from behind my ear that I must of missed when cutting my hair in the morning and said—now that looks better!  When we went back to the house for our party for Arlene, I put on some shorts and a tee shirt.  A niece came up to me and said—You can sure tell you miss Arlene—why is that—your zipper is open!  Oh, those family dynamics!

It was John Calvin who said, “A happy life depends on a good conscience.”  If you don’t like yourself, you can’t seem to like others and if you don’t like others, you can’t have good family dynamics.  RickyRick says—"This is basic relationship advice that works beyond your relationship with God. You’ll improve any relationship in your life if you physically turn yourself toward the other person and focus on them when they talk to you. Whenever my wife talks with me, I turn my face toward her. I’ve been married for more than 40 years. She loves it because she knows she has my undivided attention.” SusieQ  says--Give folks your attention by looking at them in the eyes.  It is a belittlement when you look somewhere else or even worse when you don’t pay any attention to them at all or by talking to someone else when they are talking to you (i.e. it’s like they are not important but you are all about yourself). Not good for family dynamics (i.e. it probably won’t be long and family won’t want to be around you—won’t pay any attention to you).  Ouchy ouchy! And of course, many families have a JoeTheSnort who continually sings the song really loud and often—How great I am, how great I am!  JoeBlow says this is how I handle those type of family members—I smile, wish them the best and get away from them as fast as I can!

Heather, our daughter, is to the left in the pic. I took all the stuff out of the hall closet that Arlene used to store much stuff.  Stuff she used through the years to decorate, entertain, and just collect.  It was a hodgepodge of eclectic stuff that Arlene accumulated for many years.  I put all the stuff on the ping pong table in the basement.  When Heather and Jessica came, I asked if they and the grandgirls wanted a memento of Arlene from the stuff.  I think they all took something.  Then they put the “cream of the junk” in one-fourth of the table and left the “junkiest of the junk” on the other three-fourth of the table to be thrown away.  I told Heather that I thought I would let my sisters and nieces look at it and see if they wanted a memento as well.  She said—Dad, it’s all junk, they won’t want any of that junk soooo don’t do that.  Well, after dinner at Arlene’s party, I did just that.  They jumped out of their chairs and were excited to go through the junk.  They laughed and talked and told stories for a long time and all came back up with stuff in their arms.  One of the nieces told Heather, you don’t know the Mellema family dynamics very well, we like to go through junk (i.e. of course Mellemas are Dutch).  Heather just laughed.

JoeSmudgeMutt says—Every family’s dynamics have some drama.  I had a plan with a time schedule for our family Saturday morning.  Family pictures at 9:15, a short family service at 9:30 and I wanted to be at church at 10.  I told them Friday night to be on time.  Adult kids do not like to treated like little kids and reminded to be on time but I did it anyway.  I told them that if someone is late, it creates a problem for all of us and then everyone gets pissie and it will ruin Mom’s day of celebration.  I took a chance in hurting the family dynamics by doing this.  Well, everyone was even early. 

Charlie, our 10-year-old granddaughter is very tender and emotional.  Her other grandmother, Missy, passed on this last fall soooo she is still very tender and emotional from that experience.  She told her mom, that she didn’t think she could take going to grandma Arlene’s funeral as it would be tooooo hard on her.  Jessica explained to her that it would not be as emotional as there was several months between her death and the service which would probably reduce the emotions and there will be a lot of music.  Also, there will no cemetery experience which was very traumatic for Charlie.  Her bother, Rookie age 7 was listening and said—What do you mean no graveyard; that is best part!

A friend who lives here in IA, told me that one of his brothers called and said they were coming to visit him and his wife.  They would arrive about in time for the evening meal.  My friend’s wife prepared a nice evening meal.  They didn’t show up at the time they said they would arrive.  They finally called—sorry but we will be late—where are you—we haven’t left Missouri yet!  It might appear that my friend’s brother might be so-called abnormal by some and might be so-called normal in some families (i.e. my opinion).  It appears that this can be hard on family dynamics. BUT maybe the family should check to see if there is something wrong with him physically or mentally before being tooooo judgmental about him.  Maybe!

In his book, Knowing God, J. I. Packer writes, “There can be no spiritual health without doctrinal knowledge; but it is equally true that there can be no spiritual health with it, if it is sought for the wrong purpose and valued by the wrong standard…. Our aim in studying the Godhead must be to know God better. Our concern must be to enlarge our acquaintance, not simply with the doctrine of God’s attributes, but with the living God whose attributes they are."  This is soooo interesting to me—the balance between doctrinal knowledge and living God.  Friends who live in MS were here for Arlene’s memorial service.  I asked them if MS is conservative—it is, many folks are Southern Baptist, it’s the Bible Belt but most of our friends are Biblical conservative but socially liberal.  Now that is hard for me to understand.  How you can folks believe the Bible literally and then believe in abortion. That thinking makes for pretty interesting family dynamics for sure.  It seems to me like those folks are mugrumpers!  Maybe you can explain that to me.  I read this in the paper soooo it must be right—One of the major irritants of modern life is the requirement to deny what is obvious right in front of us.  Such is life. 

MissPerfect says--Church family dynamics is for sure interesting.  Probably all churches have “super Christians” that are the real deal.  And probably all churches have folks who think they are “super Christians” that are all puffed up and conceited (i.e. not the real deal).  Remember folks, we all put our underwear on the same.  We all get the same diseases and have the same problems and we all die at some time.  Who likes to be around folks that they think they are “super Christians” but are really just fakes?  Ouchy ouchy!  Those folks are hard on the dynamics of the church family. For sure. 

I asked if any of the family had any family expressions of our family dynamics. Here are a few.  We saw young parents 'parenting ' young kids and old kids 'parenting' old parents. 'Tweeners' were searching for their 'tribe'...bouncing between the adult tribe and the youth tribe. Many people are not comfortable with the statement 'Be still and know...'  They just need to talk... about anything....I think it's their way of coping with nerves or anxiety. There will always be people who 'need to be needed' and who 'need to over-share'...I think it's therapeutic for them. Everyone wants to be seen and acknowledged. The family dynamics we had at the house was so US!!  GOOD!!   STUFF!!! It was interesting that at one point, with a couple of exceptions, the extroverts seemed to be in the sunroom and the introverts were in the family room. Some of us don't like quiet, some of us don't like noise, but in the end, I think most of us like each other!  What a board topic!!  I’m going to focus on the extended family since we were all together.  We had a great time.  It seemed like we picked up right where we left off even though we’ve been apart for a time.  Why is that? Maybe it’s because many of us live in different states and don’t see each other that often. Maybe it’s because most of us have the same values. Maybe it’s because we have a shared family history with funny stories to tell. Maybe it’s because we know when to back off and let someone else’s opinion be okay. (Even if we don’t agree.) Maybe it’s because we had wonderful role models in our parents. Maybe it’s because family is too important to us to mess up. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  Family dynamics have a lot to do with love and respect. Of course, this comes from the kid sister of the MAN who lived 1 ¼ mile south of Roseland.  Like he always says, you might not agree.  It’s only my opinion.

You all may listen to this but I’m going to preach to myself here.  I need it.  Dr. J says—"There are several key words in the biblical lexicon that are similar, but different. And their difference makes all the difference! Justice means getting what we deserve. Mercy means not getting what we deserve. And grace means getting what we don’t deserve. All have their importance, and each has its place in our life.” I, tooooo many times, do not have enough grace and mercy for the members of my family and my friends.  I just don’t.  I am toooo judgmental I think.  I need a kick in the butt. For sure.  I can get disappointed in folks and become judgmental.  I want folks to be like me.  They are not going to do that.  That is especially hard for me with my family.  I just don’t understand why they aren’t like my thinking.  Some of those ideas aren’t that important but some, I think, are.  I need to be more graceful and merciful.  It is hard.  Family dynamics can be hard for me at times.  For sure!  Like I think I’m always right! Da! God says He is in charge.  erv, you are not! 

I wanted the grandkids to go away from Arlene’s memorial service/celebration/party with a positive feeling.  I had a cake made and before they left last Sunday, each of the grandkids put a candle on the cake and we had a party for grandma.  The picture pretty much tells the story. 

Have a FUN day my friends unless you have other plans. (-:

erv

MyFriendJean says—It is never too late to become what we are capable of becoming.